The really bad joke thread

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donf
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The really bad joke thread

Post by donf » Wed Oct 23, 2019 11:27 am

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realizing that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and ol’ Jess the sheepdog is getting on in years, he decides he’ll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.

So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help.

“Why yes,” says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don’t think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many.”

The shopkeeper says, “I’ve got just the thing for you.” and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting.

“Are you sure?” asks the farmer, “I have very many sheep and I don’t think one dog will be able to round all of them up.”.

“I’m sure.” says the shopkeeper, “This is a very intelligent dog. He’s been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I’ve ever seen.”

“Yes,” says the dog, “I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering.” The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn’t be impressed by that?- decides to take him home.

That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. “Well,” says the farmer, “I’d like you to round up all of these sheep.”.

“Okay.” replies the dog, “You have nine hundred sheep.”

donf
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Re: The really bad joke thread

Post by donf » Wed Oct 23, 2019 11:29 am

Paddy says to Mick,"I found this pen, is it yours?"

Mick replies,"don't know, give it here."

He then tries it and says, "yes it is."

Paddy asks, "how do you know?"

Mick replies, "that's my handwriting."

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John Preston1988
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Re: The really bad joke thread

Post by John Preston1988 » Wed Oct 23, 2019 12:34 pm

A large white horse trots into a bar and asks the barman for a large Johnny Walker Whisky!

The barman replies " Well, I've never heard of a talking horse before, but why didn't you ask for the Whisky that's named after you?"
"What, Malcolm" said the horse!

autobahn
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Re: The really bad joke thread

Post by autobahn » Tue Oct 29, 2019 10:11 pm

"My wife is an angel," "Lucky you, mine is still alive" his friend replies.

autobahn
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Re: The really bad joke thread

Post by autobahn » Tue Oct 29, 2019 10:19 pm

Texan; "My ranch is so big, it takes half a day to get to my mailbox, and when we get back, both me and my horse are pretty tired"
Australian; "I used to have a horse like that. I shot the bastard."

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RedLiner
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Re: The really bad joke thread

Post by RedLiner » Thu Dec 19, 2019 9:18 pm

Waiter:-
I'm so glad that you enjoyed your dinner, how did you find the steak?

Me:-
Quite easy really, it was just next to the potatoes.....
No trees were harmed creating this message, however some electrons were very inconvenienced.

Spanky
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Re: The really bad joke thread

Post by Spanky » Sat Mar 14, 2020 3:56 am

Two necrophiles worked at a morgue. One day shift and one at night so they’d pass each other at shift change. One morning, the night shift necrophile said to the dayshifter, “Man, you’ve got to see that brunette on the slab. She’s got a prawn sticking out of her pussy.

The dayshifter ran in and looked and said, “Man, you are nuts. That’s not a prawn! That’s just her swollen clit!”

Nightshifter said, “Well, it tasted like a prawn!”

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RedLiner
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Re: The really bad joke thread

Post by RedLiner » Fri Mar 27, 2020 8:16 pm

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'...
Teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." “Well done, Roland," says the teacher, "can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a new bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my Dad says it will take the contagious."
No trees were harmed creating this message, however some electrons were very inconvenienced.

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